Saying no is an art form. I'm a complete amateur when it comes to utilizing it. I avoid it whenever possible, and if I do happen to say it, I feel guilty afterward. I go to war with myself when I know I want to say it, but can't for fear of shirking my "obligations." I don't want people to not like me or my business. So I say yes and then proceed to be miserable and pissed off because I have, once again overextended myself and put my health and my needs second. And of course then I hate myself for putting myself in that preventable situation in the first place. Yesterday I got a request from a new client which I did not want to fulfill, since I was already feeling overwhelmed from the month's schedule. It took me 5 hours and a discussion with my therapist to finally respond with this email:
Dear xxxxxx,
Thank you for emailing me. I've gone over my calendar and realized that I regretfully
will not be able to take this on at this time. I am currently working on expanding my company to include some staff (hopefully within the next month or two), so if you are ever interested in my services in the future, please call again as I would be delighted to help you.
I do have the name of another person who does some part-time cat sitting and might be available- his name is *****, and you can reach him at *******@yahoo.com.
I am sorry I couldn't help you this time --please do check back in the future if you find yourself in need of some cat care again!
Best,
Jille
I almost did not send this. I almost, instead, agreed to meet this new client, and take on the extra bookings that it required even as my stomach churned, telling me it knew full well that this decision would only add to the stress and self-loathing that comes from going against what I know is right for me. I was very close. But instead I chose to send this email (yay me!). I haven't checked my email yet since then. I do have a fear that I will have received some response--upset with me., berating me, pleading with me--something that punishes me for saying no. But I suppose that is part of the art form--being ok with saying no is just as important as saying it. And--you know, much better than killing myself.
I've found some good resources on learning this valuable skill. Check 'em out.
http://zenhabits.net/say-no/
http://personalexcellence.co/blog/how-to-say-no/
Here's a handy, easy to refer to manifesto from http://personalexcellence.co/blog/:
Love this post – it helps so much to hear that others struggle with the same thing! I am veteran at saying yes to things I want to do but don’t actually have time for. Then I don’t do them and don’t do them and then feel ridiculously anxious and guilty about it and then become really paralyzed to do anything about it because I associate my intense anxiety about never doing all the stuff I’m supposed to with this one thing that I should do. So the thing becomes bigger and scarier…e t c . . . I’m sure everyone out there gets the drift. You have inspired me to JUST SAY NO! (and found helpful ways to do it!)
ReplyDeleteThank you Jille!